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♥~♥such fragile moments we share♥~♥you are my everything...
September 05 A letter to two friends...If there was two friends in this world that taught me how to love it was the two of you.
Since I was one of the people at your wedding I feel that I should also be one of the ones that does their duty. During your ceremony your officiate talked about how we (the people invited to your wedding) were not only witnesses to your marriage but were to be witnesses to your life together. It was our job to help nurture your marriage in rough times, help you guys work through the problems. I want you to both know that I am here to do that for you if you will allow me. I think that I would not be a true friend, or stand by the promise that I gave in being a part of your marriage if I didn't let you know how I have felt the past few months.
In having my own first child I can only imagine the stress that the two of you would be under when it comes to figuring out where you guys will be in the next few months or years financially. But in all that stress I do not want the two of you to ever forget is the words that you exchanged the day that you became one. I myself was not as lucky to find a love like the two of you as fast as what you found each other. The two of you together was everything that I wanted for myself. The long stares at each other, the way you held hands and the way that you never stopped looking at one another like "how could life get more perfect". Sometimes it was almost sickening. I was never jealous but I was always wanting what you guys had; the two of you were who I looked up to when it came to marriage and love. I held out for that and because of you guys I found true love.
I wanted my own life to shadow yours and I have always looked to the two of you for approval of whom I date and tried to take your advice, although sometimes I was stubborn. I don't expect my advice to be taken but I do think that it is my place to remind you of the love that I know you both feel for each other. I write cause I think I needed to remind you of what you guys might be forgetting right now. Love. You are both hurting and both confused, but I must remind you that so are your children. The other day while the kids were here one of them had a lot to say to me about what has been going on at your place. It broke my heart to hear what she had to say.
I came from a broken marriage where both my mother and father tried pulling me in many directions. Now that I am old enough I know the truth and I have found out what really went on. Part of me still wonders why my brother and I had to become a part of their games with each other. Please be true to you kids while you sort things out. It's not fair to put them in a position that may make them feel like they are the cause of all of this or that they might not be loved. In fact maybe in showing them the fact that there still is love in your house the two of you can find the love that you do share for each other.
Love
Aimee
xoxox September 04 Life is different...If you went back to last summer I you would read about a monarch butterfly that used to come visit me while I was sneaking out back at work for a smoke. I had a place that was hidden at the side of the building between many crates where I would hide when I was mad or upset at how work was. I used to watch as the summer came and went by the flowers and weeds that used to grow in the spares areas around these crates. It was a place that I went to gather my thoughts and try to get my bearings. Today I was out back at home for a smoke. I sat in my usual chair when a monarch butterfly fluttered it's way around me. I see them quite a bit when I am relaxing taking a few minutes for a smoke and to gather myself. It took me back to the feeling that I used to get when I ran and hid at work. Such a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. I do not miss it.
Some days as a mother are a lot harder than a production manager, which sounds funny, but they are a lot more rewarding as well. When I run outside for a smoke cause I am stressed at home I feel different. At home I am more appreciated. Jaxton doesn't thank me (verbally yet) but Kenny does. Jax thanks me when he smiles at me. If it's gas or not I still think it's a smile. Or maybe I hope. But here at home with Jax I do my job well, not always right but I learn from it. I am growing in my knowledge of what my child wants and needs. I am able to read what he wants for the most part and I try my best to give him that. I don't feel as unappreciated as I did at work, which is a huge surprise. That place was such a negative place. I really think that when I go back to work it might not be there. It might be somewhere else where I will be appreciated. Where I will be treated like a human.
I do not need the stress of being a part of a team that really isn't a team at all but rather a bunch of backstabbers that bash you when you leave on a journey to improve your life...one that will change your outlook on life forever...motherhood. September 02 6 weeks old...Does your baby coo at you when you pick him up from his stroller or his bassinet? Well sometimes...but not so much the cooing. Recognizing mom and dad is just one sign that your baby is becoming more attuned to what's going on around him. Ya he knows my voice for sure! You're becoming attuned to him too. Somedays...then again somedays you think it was our first day with him all over again! It may seem like only yesterday since you gave birth but take some time to look back on the last few weeks. I do. I so much enjoy looking at the pictures of him. He changes each day I think! You've probably learned more about your baby — what he likes and doesn't like — than you realize. Well I hope so cause some days I feel so lost!!
So this long weekend was a busy one. yesterday we went out to my brothers for Logan's second birthday party. When I got there Sonya was dead. I forgot to make sure that she had power. I used Kenny's crappy camera but got lots of pictures of all the babies that were there. In fact I finally got to hold Gavin, which is Blake and Lyndz boy. yes we are no longer alone in the sea of female babies!
Enjoy...but you will have to venture to Jax's album to see more of him as well.
Sydney Skyye
Anika Grace
Gavin Edwin
and of course the Birthday boy and the rest of the kids...well that I happen to get pictures of!
August 31 I smell......like I should be something served on pancakes...yes I still stink like maple!
But in other news it's a long weekend and I have been trying to stay away from the computer so that I could spend more time with my men!
I did want to share with you our niece Brookelyn is getting to be just too cute and I wanted to share her with you!
August 28 Maple sweat...Today the little man and I got quite a bit done. We actually left the house for a brief period to drop off the check at my work to pay for the benefits. I feel like when I am there that I am no longer really someone that works there. I feel like an outsider that is just dropping off a piece of paper. I can't say that I even feel welcome to be honest. I chat a lot with the one lady but everyone else seems to either not want to talk to me, or they feel that they shouldn't cause they might reveal something that I shouldn't know. Yes I can say that the one thing that work did for me (well not really cause I pay for half of my benefits) while I was having Jax; was make sure that I had a semi-private room, and a newspaper each morning, and free TV. Not that TV in the hospital is all that cool when there are two people in the room cause you have to have the headset on in order to hear it. The funny part is because they were so full at that time I actually got a private room. I don't know if thanking them is really what I should do. I know that if I did the owners would only say that it really wasn't them and wonder why I was thanking them in the first place. I am thankful though. It would have been hell is I was stuck in a room with other people while trying to figure my child out.
While I was out I also picked up some of the Fenugreek seeds. I kind of drank a lot of it today only to find out that you should drink 2 - 3 glasses a day. I drank 3 glasses this afternoon. I am wondering if that is why my breasts are tender right now. Although I have read that it takes from 24 hours to 2-weeks for people to see a difference in their quantity of milk they are making. I guess it is only a period of time before I figure out if I have actually started to produce more. They say that you will know when you have the right amount cause your sweat will start to smell like maple syrup. Just great I hate the smell of maple. The things we do for our kids! August 27 Things here are good...Today was not as productive as I wanted it to be. I have planned on getting out of the house for a few days to get some things but after I get all the stuff done around the house, I realize that the things I was going out to do can really wait cause I need to do something else like eat or sleep. Although tonight I should really get out for toilet paper, cause not having anything to wipe with might suck. Besides as outing is always much easier with another pair of hands, and Kenny loves to have time to make sure that Jax is happy while I do the shopping.
Today I ate lunch without having my child screaming in my ear, and showered without wondering if I was going to be able to dry myself off before him cries made me leak milk all over myself. It felt good to be so successful. He has been gassy and cranky but I figure it was all the garlic I ate last night. I have placed a phone call to the nearest homeopath to ask if she carried Fenugreek, cause it is supposed to make you create more milk. They carry it. Tomorrow I will be going out to pick some up. They have it both in a tea and pill form. I wonder which one works best or if I should take both. It has been helping that I have been eating more.
So here are my ABC's (just Linda)...
A. Attached or single? | attached… B. Best friend? | I have a few… C. Cake or pie? | mmmmmmmmm…both… D. Day of choice? | Sunday E. Essential item? | baby F. Favourite colour? | grey…not really a colour I know G. Gummy bears or worms? | mmmmmmmmm…both… H. Hometown? | Woodstock I. Indulgence? | foods of all kinds…. J. January or July? | July…of course… K. Kids? | yes one bouncing baby boy… L. Life isn’t complete without? | family and friends… M. Marriage date? | 11/12/07 N. Number of brothers & sisters? | I’m the middle child…a brother and a sister I am still trying to find… O. Oranges or apples? | apples P. Phobias? | heights/water/small spaces Q. Quotes? | It's all good! R. Reasons to smile? | life S. Season of choice? | fall T. Tag seven peeps! | anyone who wants to play… U. Unknown fact about me? | I am scared of thunderstorms if I don’t watch them… V. Vegetable? | I have been called that a few times… W. Worst habits? | smoking…man I have to quit… X. X-ray or ultrasound? | ultrasound Y. Your favourite food? | all kinds…in fact I am going to go eat now! Z. Zodiac sign? | Virgo…ha ha ha…. August 26 5 weeks old...This week, you may find that your baby discovers his hands and feet. Well he smacks himself all the time now usually in the head, I don't think he has much control though. As strange as it sounds, he's just beginning to realize they're part of his body. Not a surprise, I mean as I said he's smacking himself with his own hands. Can't be a good thing! You can add to his fun by giving his wrist and sock rattles to wear. I do have a few of those, so I will dig them out! Also, don't be surprised to hear more gurgles, coos and grunts as your baby gradually learns to express herself with sounds beyond crying. Well at least that doesn't say more gas...then again I couldn't possibly think that a child could have more gas!
So yes the little man just keeps getting older and older...as do I. Please don't apologise for forgetting my birthday. How could you remember it when I never mentioned it?!
As of late I have been dreading Tuesdays. Knowing that he is another week older I wondered if I was doing anything right. Like I have been learning in that book...if he is healthy and happy...than we are. Today was the first Tuesday I have looked forward to receiving my email. Seeing that he is where he should be. Then sitting to read with him out loud while I feed. I know we are heading in the right direction. I am starting to love the fact that he is growing and I am here to be a large part of that process. This process that we can figure out together...all of us! By all of us I mean Kenny too. Last night when he had baby daddy time I left them alone. It seems when the baby can see or smell me he tends to want only me. This is really unfair to Kenny. Each time he tries to spend time with Jax, he screams until I pick him up. So last night I left them in the room alone. It helped I think. As much as they thought I was ignoring them and playing with the computer, I couldn't help but listen to a proud daddy cooing over his little man. Teaching him find the different things he could do with his hands and trying to make that gas smile into a real one. This makes me fall in love with Kenny all over again. Jax is so lucky to have such a great daddy.
We have been out a lot lately. Visiting the weekends away but none of them have been quite as much of a release as Friday night. Friday night Amanda (mine) had what she called the "ABC Birthday party", a party for Aimee (me), Brandy (a friend of ours) and Chris (her husband). We all have birthdays just days apart and she thought why not have a party for all of us?! Such a great idea, I am so lucky to have her! As all of us with our busy lives we don't get together as often as we should. We shared old memories and made some more new ones. I laughed so hard that night my stomach and my stitches started to hurt. I guess I am not healed 100% yet. It was a good sore though, to know that it came from all of our friends getting together. Everyone held onto Jax giving me a break when I wasn't feeding. It felt good to have a rest and even better when everyone was excited and so happy to hold him. What a great birthday party, thanx Amanda! August 25 A must read...book that is...Yesterday was that day of the year when I turned another year older, 31 to be exact. Last night Kenny cleaned out the tub and ran a bath for me with some salts. I decided that since I was getting some time to myself that I would also have something to eat and being that first time mom and fearing not getting things accomplished I ate my cereal in the tub. This was the first bath that I got where my kid was not screaming part of the way through. It was the perfect gift!
Turning 30 was easy, and so was turning 31. It's funny when I think about how much has changed this year. I became a married woman, a pregnant lady and then a mother. Time just goes by so fast. I hope that I can take all of the next few months in and remember them in the future. Sometimes when I think about this last year it is all a blur, it's good that I have it all here to come back and review.
So this weekend was another busy one, what a surprise, I know! We had lots to do but one of the best things that happened other than I got to spend time with my hubby and little man was a book that I received from a good friend. It's called "Chicken Soup For A New Mom's Soul". Thank you so much, you know who you are ("just" linda)!! Now I am not a reader of books normally unless it was a Anne Rice vampire book, but this book has sucked me into a whole new world and I love it! So if you have a friend or family member that is about to have their first child and you are unsure of what to get them, this is the best thing you could possibly give.
I decided that when I breast feed if I am not talking on the phone that would be my time to read this book. I got it Friday night and Saturday morning I sat down in the living room to feed and read. I have actually found myself now ignoring calls just to read it. Ha ha ha...sorry if you were one of those people! It is really what every first time mother needs to read, it is very real. I think it has actually made that bonding time a million times better. It makes sure that you know that when you feel frustrated and unsure of yourself that you aren't alone...the fact is that all mothers have been there before!
What makes this book so real is what happened today just after I set the book down and tried for the millionth time to get Jax to nap. Eva called (who had her first child 10 days before me) and asked what I was up to. It was funny cause as it turns out we were both outside having sometime to ourselves cause both of us found that not too much was working with our children (and they were so tired) so we both had decided to let them cry themselves to sleep. It made me feel good to know that the stories in the book were true, the things that you all have written here are true and that all these tears that I had cried while reading these stories both in the book and the ones you have shared with me were worth it...being a mom is easier when you know you aren't alone in this crazy journey called motherhood! August 22 One month old...We went to the Dr yesterday for his one-month check up and things are great. I can't believe that it has already been a month! The little spot under his chin is just a cyst; something that the Dr says will go away in time. He now weighs 8lbs 6oz, which means that he has gained 2lbs since we brought him home. This means that he is getting enough breast milk, the Dr said that supplementing formula when he is super hungry is a good answer cause he might just be in a growth spurt and the next day I might have more than enough milk for him. It was recommended to me to give him some water with a bit of sugar in it, but my Dr is against this 100%. Kenny measured him the other night and he is 22” long now, which I could tell cause some of him pj’s are getting too short, and others he is finally fitting into.
Since I have been breastfeeding I have been dry, like a camel stuck in a dessert for 40 years. I feel the need to have water near me almost all the time; I in fact drink from a 32oz cup all the time now, which I hear is quite normal. I understand that it helps with the production of milk but if I have been drinking so much of it then why last night did I not have enough to feed my child? (For that matter why does water from the bathroom tap taste different and almost better than the kitchen tap?) Back on topic, you see some days he gets so mad that he can’t eat every hour, which makes me wonder if I can produce enough to feed him although the signs are there that I have been doing well so far. He is a very clearly a lazy eater, most of the time he falls asleep and then gets mad cause he is not eating when he wakes up. This can make a feeding sometimes last up to an hour!
Last night he wasn’t too thrilled when I didn’t have enough milk for him even though he just ate 45 minutes before that. I tried walking around with him, putting him in his swing, even Kenny tried a few different things, but he would get to sleep and then wake up screaming. I am sure that some of it was gas as he is a very gassy baby, but I knew from the cries that he was hungry. Also I think it’s the sucking motion that he wants in order to calm him to sleep, but since my breasts gave him nothing he got mad and screamed. He will not take a soother for anything cause he gets nothing from that sucking motion as well…I have tried a million times with a million different soothers!
I had to do something to calm him down so I did what I never wanted to do and from the advice my Dr gave me I made formula for him. It wasn’t the kind I would have even given him if I decided that he should have formula. It was a free sample that I have left in my cupboard that none of the ladies I know are using; as I gave away my other samples since breastfeeding was going so well. He drank it happily without getting sick and went right to sleep. I had very mixed emotions about this. I was happy that he was calm as nothing is more upsetting than listening to your child cry. I was also upset that I couldn’t produce enough. I know that having a baby can be frustrating sometimes because things don’t go the way you planned them (much like Jaxton’s birth was) but this fear that I can not provide what he needs scares me.
He woke up at his next normal time to feed last night and has been right on schedule all day. So far today I have tons of milk and things are good. He has been gassy but he is finally sleeping happily long enough fo me to make an entry to vent as well as get some stuff done around the house. This helps ease the fear…well I won’t lie…it helps ease it a bit! August 21 Just a hobby for me...So a few of you have left comments about me practicing and becoming a professional photographer. Did you know that at one point believe that was supposed to be my calling? Back in the day my father and aunt did a lot of photography, this was before digital when film was the big thing. You know when I was into it hardcore I swore I would never go digital…ha ha ha…how life changes!
You see I dropped the auto class in high school that I wanted to take just so I could take my advanced photography class, which now makes me laugh cause I spent so many years working in garages. I took as many photography classes as I could and worked as many hours as I could to buy a great 35mm camera. You see I moved out when I was 17 so if I wanted something it took a long time to save up the money. I had help from birthday money and the guy that I was dating at the time his brother owned a local photography shop so I got a good camera at a good price.
I made a wicked portfolio (well at the time I thought so) to get into one of the best in Canada; Sheridan College in Oakville. At first I was on a waiting list, which didn’t make me feel like I was much good. I finally got accepted last minute and went for only a year. You see I found in the end that it was too much like work, in the sense that I no longer enjoyed taking pictures. It became almost a chore. I hated when I had to pose people in the studio. I prefer candid shots of people in their own element! So I dropped the 2-year course only completing half and came back to Woodstock to work at Jiffy Lube. See the funny there??
I now just do it for fun. I couldn’t see myself having to make money from it. To be honest I don’t think I am good enough as people have a much more natural eye than I. It does make it easier now that things are digital and you can morph them, but I think it’s best that I just record the days of my life. Maybe do a few things on the side for family and friends. I love the fact that Jaxton has only been here not even a month and has more pictures than I think I did the whole time growing up…and believe me when my dad was around he took lots!
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